Seinfeld – The Magic Loogie, Reconstructed
Hello, Newman. I hate Keith Hernandez. Hate him!
– I despise him. Why?
– Why? I’ll tell you why. Let me tell it.
– No. You can’t tell it. You always tell it!
– Alright! Tell it! Ja ja ja – just tell it. Alright. June 14, 1987. Mets Phillies. We’re enjoying a beautiful afternoon
in the right field stands, when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door to a
five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game. Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people. You know, they were
waiting by the players’ parking lot. Now we’re coming down the ramp… Newman was in front of me. Hernandez was coming toward us.
As he passes us, Newman turns and he says, “Nice game, pretty boy.” Hernandez continued past us up the ramp. Then, a second later something happened, that changed us in a very
deep and profound way from that day forward. What was it?
– He spit on us. And I screamed out, “I’m hit!” Then, I turned and the spit
ricocheted off him and it hit me. Wow… What a story. Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics
contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for ms. Benes,
as I’ve heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you’ll indulge me. According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking
up the ramp. Then, you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple,
striking Newman between the 3rd and the 4th rib. The spit then came off the rib, made a right turn
hitting Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist,
pauses – in mid air, mind you – makes a left turn, and lands on Newman’s left thigh. That is one magic loogie. Well, that’s the way it happened. What happened to your head when you got hit? Well, my head went back, and to the left. Say that again! Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. So, what are you saying?
– I’m saying that the spit could not have come from behind. That there had to have been a second spitter. Behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you – as you claim – that would have caused your head to pitch forward. So, the spit could have only come
from the front, and to the right. But that’s not what they
would have you believe… I’m leaving. Jerry’s a nut. The sad thing is we may
never know the real truth.